Friday, April 20, 2018

Craving the Dream

Suppose you want something really bad. It could be anything like a new job, a better relationship with your spouse, or to tame your food addiction. What comes to your mind when you ponder the question: What am I deeply craving in my life right now?

My list isn't long but I do have a few items. One is freedom from past childhood wounds that open and fester in the present. One is too private to share. And another would be to find an agent and publisher for my book. I'm going to use the latter to make my point.

I've wanted an agent / publisher for years now. I've prayed about it tons of times. I've taken classes to learn what they want in a writer. I've pitched my book probably twenty different times. And yet, I still don't have either.

Now it could be that my story is boring or my writing is weak or my personality too strong. It really could be a number of different reasons—lack of platform, market timing, or limited agency funds.

The point is—it hasn't happened. No agent. No publisher.

I've worried and wondered and begged God.

I've also had moments of letting go. After all, I trust Him and know His timing is always perfect. I've released my clutched fist—full of my writer's hopes and dreams—and set them at His feet countless times. I sit back and bask in freedom. Like I put my "dream burden" in a barrel on the end of a pulley and lifted it to Him in heaven. I'm grateful to have turned it over to Him so I can be released from the constant dream pressure.

But later I grab the rope and bring that ol' burden barrel back down and begin again—worry, analyze, and crave once again.

Some folks would question His existence since He hasn't answered yet. Some folks would question His love when He knows the deep desire in my heart and hasn't come through. Some folks would lose trust because He sees the struggle and doesn't help.

But this I know. He knows my heart and dreams. He loves me and His timing is best. Maybe my dream is not in His plan or the right connection hasn't been made yet or He has a valuable lesson for me to learn.  

In the meanwhile, I continue to write, to grow in my faith of Him, and to know He's the lover of my soul. And if I never realize my writer's dream, that's okay. Because I'm His child and the apple of His eye.

It doesn't get better than that. To Him be the glory. Always.

What about you? Do you struggle with unanswered prayers? Have your dreams ever felt like a burden? How do you reconcile your struggle with God? Please leave a comment. Your experience may encourage someone else.