Defense Mechanism: To Be or Not To Be?

This may a touchy subject.

Have you ever felt startled when someone unexpectedly made you their scapegoat? Like they picked up a huge spot light and megaphone, and then threw you under the bus? And it doesn’t really matter if you're guilty or innocent, the undeserved attention-grabbing way the message was delivered made you want to run and hide.

I think we've all been there before.

When this happened to me recently, I realized this was a defense mechanism delivered to make the other person appear innocent and for me to look guilty. I couldn't speak—those big old bus wheels took their time rolling over my shocked body. I wanted to defend myself but it felt like I had just taken a huge bite of thick peanut butter and couldn't get words out of my mouth.

Now before I complain any more, I admit I've done this too.

Most of the time when it happens, I have this little check in my spirit like, "Wow, that wasn't very nice." And I know I should apologize. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't.

Why is it we treat each other so callously? Why is it so hard to apologize when we know we've been unfair? When did our self-image become so crucial, we find it okay to crush someone else's?

These questions made me ponder my own behavior.

• No one likes to be wrong. So I defend myself—in an exaggerated way.

• No one likes to feel put on the spot—so to distract attention—I react without thinking, especially of the other person.

• No one likes to have their beliefs, opinions, or actions questioned. Instantly, I lash back with forceful, logical justifications.

This is not how I want to be or how I want to treat others.

Maybe now that I'm aware of these actions, I will feel these instances rising and catch myself. Clamp my lips tight. Take a breath. Ponder if I need to respond and if so, deliver it with compassion.

After all, I know what it feels like to be thrown under the bus so the last thing I want to do is to be the bus driver. I can barely imagine how much kinder our world would be if this spread like the common cold—folks treating each other with the compassionate decency that we all crave and deserve. 

Like the Golden Rule, Jesus shared in Matthew 7:12, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." Great advice for us all.

What about you? Do you have a suggestion to halt a sudden hurtful response at someone else's expense? How have you dealt with times you've been thrown under the bus? I'm all ears. Let's learn and grow from life's lessons.